i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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