I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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