how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
