PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
