Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
