I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
