I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
