Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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