Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
