I wish life had little blips of pornography
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize