It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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