I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
