so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
