I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
