I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
