We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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