do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
