I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
