You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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