My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize