Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
