She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
