Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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