a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
