I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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