If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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