Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
