I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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