New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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