Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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