Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
