She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
