Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
stop calling my apartment porn island.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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