you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
