new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
