Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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