The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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