Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
