I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
