I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
