True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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