I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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