I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
