I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
