The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
