....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
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