who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
zippers are such a cool invention
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
