dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
