Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
