Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
