anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
