You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sext me about skeletons
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize