never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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