Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
