I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
