i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
