I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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