you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
